Hi everyone!
Bebe Bardeaux here, and I have super exciting news for you all! clears throat, waits for folx to gather:
I'M HAVING A MID-LIFE EXISTENTIAL CRISIS! insert surprise confetti and balloon pop
No but seriously... I think it's serious.
Since I started burlesque in March 2017, my life has changed in many ways. I had just become a mother for the first time in 2016, and I was six months away from starting grad school and becoming a professional librarian. I was about 40 pounds heavier, yet despite what society told me to feel, my self-esteem and confidence were through the roof! I loved those beginning burly-baby years, and it was easy to balance being a mom, partner, lettering artist, roller-skater, bookbinder, fantasy-writing boss (and honestly, even more things as well... ya girl loves a good hobby).
I still love all those things now, but something has changed. The love has morphed into an obsession, an undying loyalty and almost cringe-level dedication to these artforms, especially burlesque. So where does the existential crisis come in?
As the rotating axis of my life swings and charges towards my 40s, I'm realizing that I only have a finite amount of time to accomplish my dreams. I usually am an extremely cautious and slow person -- it famously took me 4 years to debut, and I actually pride myself on this fact. But now, I feel this sense of urgency that I've never felt before. I'm ready to finish my books, I'm ready to start a new burlesque school in D.C., I'm ready to produce amazing shows, I'm ready to take more dance classes, up my make-up game, learn new crazy stage tricks, build crazy props, grow my burlesque family, write and SO MUCH MORE. It's so bad, I dream about it at night and wake up feeling behind on everything (and this is because, yes, I'm behind on everything). And I see others living my dreams and I feel that familiar twinge of fear and insecurity.
I was in a morbid mood last night and decided to look up the court documents behind Sean "Diddy" Combs' recent indictment (when you're a law librarian, these are the things you do for fun). Aside from reinforcing the fact that Diddy is most likely a POS human, I found it interesting that they included party invites from his infamous bashes back in the 90s. He wrote a poem in one of the invitations, and it caught my eye:
If you can't see it, it says:
"Life is not a game
Only the finest and most aggressive will survive
Sleeping is forbidden
A second cannot be wasted
Once seconds are lost
You lose
And
Losing is for losers."
I don't know, friends... it kind of gave me anxiety! I know this guy sucks and we shouldn't take advice from him, but on the flip side... maybe he's right? Am I sleeping too much? Resting too much? Leaning TOO MUCH into my soft girl era?
At first, I almost made the knee-jerk decision to quit my librarian job that I love so much so I can focus full-time on my other passions... start sewing full-time, teaching beginner sewing classes, start an Etsy shop, sell my wares at strip clubs and burly festivals, perform when I can, etc. And then I remembered that I have a son with special needs, that I live in one of the most expensive cities in the entire world, that I don't have a wealthy family or connections and I need my Muggle job to help support my other passions. I cried after realizing I can't do artsy shit full-time right now.
But once I wiped my tears (and with the help of my amazing supportive husband) I realized that rest and sleep and relaxation and my salaried job are not hindrances to my passions. They are the catalysts, the wind beneath my wings, the propellers that fuel my (very expensive) passions. And, to be honest, I actually really love being a nerdy office librarian as much as I love dancing and creating art. So what gives?!
For the first time, I'm setting myself on a deadline to reach a certain personal destination by a certain date -- maybe I won't follow Diddy's toxic advice to a tee, but I may put in more late nights focusing on my passions than I have before. After all, writers like Rumaan Alam had to write his book between the hours of 7pm and 4am in order to finish it. Now that my life has created a clear path for me to focus on myself a bit more, I think this is where I'm headed.
I haven't figured out the specifics yet, but I can tell that I'm entering a new phase of my life where my dreams and passions take centerstage... perhaps for the first time. I'm not sure how I'll grow, but I'm certain that it will be beautiful. (Because honestly Diddy is a liar... losing isn't for losers, and everyone has their down moments and winning is subjective and relative and not at all dictated by what society tells you success means, but I digress.)
Until next time,
Bebe Bardeaux
Comments